Life is full of simple truths. The kind of truths we really don't want to face. Some we try to run from. Others are easier to embrace. There are those that can be ignored. And a few we can lie to ourselves about. But truth is truth, no matter how hard it is to swallow and face it we must.
I've been dealing with an overwhelming amount of truths of late. Truths about myself as a person. Truths about the people around me, my friends, my family. Truths about my goals and all the things I'd love to accomplish before I die.
It's not as emo as it sounds. In fact, if I were honest, it's been quite refreshing. Sorta an airing out of the good ole brain-brain. A refresher course in Hey, you’re just a human being, and you should stop fretting and stressing and grieving and simply live, because this is your life. The one and only. So what are you going to do with it? What are you going to leave behind?
And then it hit me last night as I laid in bed while reading a good book and listening to rhythm of my sleeping mister's steady breathing--
If I want to live my life to the fullest and be the best me, I cannot do all the things. I cannot be everything and so I must decide what I can live with and what I can live without.
The deeper question, the simple question, the undeniable truth:
If today, I were lying on my deathbed, what would I regret? What would I miss the most? What reasons would I have to fight to stay alive?
I've been cleaning house of late, both literally and figuratively-- trimming the commitments I've made, cultivating my dreams, taking a moment to stop and breathe.
It makes me feel a tad bit guilty. I'm the type of person who's always put others first, their problems, their feelings, their needs. But lately, I've been putting my needs first. It’s a strange and wonderful thing. I always thought it would make me more selfish, but in many ways, it’s made me more aware of the people around me.
Made me aware of just how badly I want to spend my life with my husband, hold onto my kids in the here and now, spend time with my best of friends, share a few thoughts here and there with you, and write. I long to write.
I cannot do all the things. I cannot be everything to everyone. And that’s okay. But I can be the best me, the me who daydreams, the me who hates cellphones, the me who twirls, the me who is shy, the me who wears her heart on her sleeve where its more prone to get hurt.
These are not earth shattering revelations. They will not change the world. But they will change me. Or better yet, they will allow me to be me.