Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Middle of the Ride

Mood music provided by Kim aka the bestie.

I've been a tad bit overwhelmed, a wee bit anxious, and overall freaking out. Simply a pleasure to live with, I tell ya! I'm an enthusiastic person and I try my best to remain positive, but please understand I'm a realist. I've done my homework and I know the depressing statistics. The probability of me getting published (in the traditional sorta way) is slim to none. However, it's far easier to deal with that stark reality when you're in the thick of writing a story. At least, it was for me.

I was so busy daydreaming and plotting and scheming and swooning and crying that I didn't have time to worry about queries and summaries and pitches and log-lines and cover letters and  line-edits and agents and markets and... *brain explodes*

All of it came crashing down on me last week. I couldn't sleep. I could hardly eat. My brain was a skipping record and the phrase on repeat-- you can't do this. you can't do this. you can't do this.

Drama. Drama. Drama.

I'm much better now. The best and the mister took turns slapping me, told me to get a hold of myself, and reminded me to take a deep breath, stop all the fretting, and get back to work. (I have no clue what I'd do without them.)

And that's exactly what I've been doing. I'm trying to focus on the things I can control. I can control the quality of my manuscript. I can control who I query and the quality of the letters I send out. I can control my attitude by maintaining a realistic yet hopeful mindset. Most importantly, I can keep myself in control, slow down, focus on taking one small step at a time, and not write myself off just yet.

I've been reminding myself how much I love to write and that I've been writing for years without worrying about impressing others, but for the pure joy of the experience. And most importantly, I've been focusing on one plain and simple truth-- the world will not end if my book doesn't get picked up by an agent.

Robert Frost said:

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.

Just another simple, yet undeniable truth.

How do you maintain a positive attitude in the face of such insurmountable odds?

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Now This Is All Me

Excuse me whilst I put on a lil mood music.

 *sings along with song::
  lights turn on and dark turns outside,
blindside, dream big, you're next in line, it's plain
now this is all me, now this is all me*

Well, hey there.
I bet you're asking yourself,
Self, what's Ang up to?
And why the dance party?

Truth be told, 
every day is a dance party 'round here,
on this day,
 I have a most excellent reason for 
flailing about like a loon.
I have officially finished my third draft of Fluff & Nonsense.
Lines have been edited,
characters have been straightened out,
plot holes ain't so holey,
adverbs have been cut ruthlessly,
dialogue tags are respectable saids & askeds,
in general,
it be a book.
What's up next?
Well, good ole Ang here,
(and you always know someone means 
bizness when they break out in the third person speak)
needs to put on her big girl pants,
write a few query letters,
and *gulps*
send them out to agents.

I know I'm heading toward rejection.
Don't take that statement the wrong way.
It's a fact. I will be rejected.
I'm actually looking forward to it.
I'm ready to earn my battle scars.
Ready to see if I'm one crap-shoot away from winning big. 

I also know my wee lil story isn't perfect.
More edits will be made.
More of my soul, time, and energy shall be poured into it.
But I think after a year of writing,
a year filled with the good, the bad, and the ugly,
it's time to take a leap of faith 
and see if we can cap this year off with a bang.
*crosses fingers*
For now,
please excuse me whilst I dance.
And feel free to join me!
*tosses sprinkles & sparkles in the air*

Monday, August 20, 2012

Simple Truths

Life is full of simple truths. The kind of truths we really don't want to face. Some we try to run from. Others are easier to embrace. There are those that can be ignored. And a few we can lie to ourselves about. But truth is truth, no matter how hard it is to swallow and face it we must.

I've been dealing with an overwhelming amount of truths of late. Truths about myself as a person. Truths about the people around me, my friends, my family. Truths about my goals and all the things I'd love to accomplish before I die.

It's not as emo as it sounds. In fact, if I were honest, it's been quite refreshing. Sorta an airing out of the good ole brain-brain. A refresher course in Hey, you’re just a human being, and you should stop fretting and stressing and grieving and simply live, because this is your life. The one and only.  So what are you going to do with it? What are you going to leave behind?

And then it hit me last night as I laid in bed while reading a good book and listening to rhythm of my sleeping mister's steady breathing--

If I want to live my life to the fullest and be the best me, I cannot do all the things. I cannot be everything and so I must decide what I can live with and what I can live without.

The deeper question, the simple question, the undeniable truth:

If today, I were lying on my deathbed, what would I regret? What would I miss the most? What reasons would I have to fight to stay alive?

I've been cleaning house of late, both literally and figuratively-- trimming the commitments I've made, cultivating my dreams, taking a moment to stop and breathe.

It makes me feel a tad bit guilty. I'm the type of person who's always put others first, their problems, their feelings, their needs. But lately, I've been putting my needs first. It’s a strange and wonderful thing. I always thought it would make me more selfish, but in many ways, it’s made me more aware of the people around me.

Made me aware of just how badly I want to spend my life with my husband, hold onto my kids in the here and now, spend time with my best of friends, share a few thoughts here and there with you, and write. I long to write.

I cannot do all the things. I cannot be everything to everyone. And that’s okay. But I can be the best me, the me who daydreams, the me who hates cellphones, the me who twirls, the me who is shy, the me who wears her heart on her sleeve where its more prone to get hurt.

These are not earth shattering revelations. They will not change the world. But they will change me. Or better yet, they will allow me to be me.