ang writes: February: A Complicated Month in Review

This month has been a weirdo and writing a review is a tad difficult.

Let me explain.

On the first day of the month I was battling a cold. The cold had been kicking my butt for a week, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. Continuing my mission to embrace my too nice, too positive, too cute ways (more on that at a later date) I posted about our adorable coffee calendar on social media. It was Friday (I mused at the time) and come what may, I’d be thankful.

Adorable coffee calendar gets me.

Not long after posting, my mom called with news that someone in our family had committed suicide. I shared a little on Instagram. However, I still believe the most respectful thing I can do on social media for those directly involved is keep my loved one’s name and relationship private. After a loved one dies, dealing with the emotional wreckage left in its wake is challenging. After multiple suicides in my husband and I’s extended family we’ve learned that keeping things private for the sake of those most harmed is the best path forward.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression
please get professional help. Go here.

Yes, this is not the first time someone in our extended family committed suicide. And no, hearing the news, processing the news, telling our kids never gets easier.

With a cold that would not quit and news of a loved one passing, we (as a family) did our best to embrace moving forward.

Three days later, the flu knocked me out and stayed for an extended visit.

For the next seven days, I had a high fever, a painful cough, a headache that would not quit, and more. I do not remember three whole days of my life. My family took care of me and everything else. I won’t bore you with all the details. But will share this, I still have the damn cough from the flu and I’m over being sick.

Enter a week until my husband and I’s twentieth wedding anniversary—a time of celebration and joy. Yet neither of us was feeling much joy, let alone had the energy to celebrate.

Still stupid sick and with the awful news hanging over our family, I realized I had two choices: embrace the unfairness of life or give in and give up.

Cue a good friend saying something I took to heart. It went a little something like this: “We all face challenges. We all have unfair things happen to us. We all hit speed bumps. That’s life. It’s not fair. But if something (or someone) is important to us, we’ll make it (or them) a priority. If not, it’s something we don’t care about. It’s something we don’t really want.”

Okay. Those weren’t her exact words. But you get the picture.

Those words sang to me. They opened my eyes to a lie I’ve lived. The lie: there are levels of unfairness and suffering. There are people who have a right to be overwhelmed and people (like me) who don’t.

See. Life sucks for all of us. It’s difficult.

But life is also good. So. Very. Good.

We MUST hold on to the good. But it’s a choice. We get to decide who we make priorities. What we make priorities. There’s no real right or wrong. It’s a simple choice.

With our anniversary looming and too much pain and sickness weighing me down, I let it go. Let the sickness run its course. Let my grief be. And let my heart feel joyful over twenty freaking years of marriage to my best friend in the whole world.

Life is complicated. This month didn’t differ from any month before it. And as March looms before me—the month of my dad’s birth and death—I know I have a choice. I can be bitter and angry and think I deserve more. Or I can understand life is messy for all of us and roll with its punches. I can spit in the face of life’s unfairness and choose joy.

And with all the strength I have plus this persistent cough, I am more determined than ever to choose joy.

See ya on the flip-side of March, my friends.
Let's show life we're stronger.